Someone says I should take acid. This is generous of them, I wonder if they will send me some? Sadly acid, I have read, does not work so well when one is taking SSRIs. I need, they feel, to change my "consciousness of self-hatred and endless blaming of others." That's an interesting one... self-hatred AND endless blaming of others. I used to feel self-hatred because I was not allowed to blame others, because my feelings of depression and misery were my fault and mine alone. Now one part of society says it's just chemical. Not me, just my brain. For me, coming to the realization that in fact society is completely fucked up and has all its values in the wrong place is to some extent empowering, the realization that perhaps it's not just me and sometimes there are people to blame, not perhaps for how we feel but for the circumstances around us.
Alerting ones self, ones feelings, is not as easy as some appear to think. You cannot fool yourself that you feel happy and alive when every fiber of yourself is screaming "let me sleep!" Oh, sure, we've all been hurt, but we don't all suffer from clinical depression and those who don't should really shut the hell up instead of lecturing those who do.
I wonder what compells these happy little fuckheads to read the diaries of those who live with misery if they find our sadness so nauseating, so full of self-pity? The same kind of voyerism that compells people to slow down and stare as they pass a car wreck? I wonder if they've ever read Virginia Woolf, Anne Sexton, or Sylvia Plath? Or if art isn't their thing, they could try psychology. Kay Redfield Jamison might give them the glimmer of understanding which they so lack. I notice that they themselves never have the guts to put their own thoughts, feelings, lives, struggles on a diary for others to read or comment upon.
Funny, today, I do not feel particularly depressed, or particularly angry. Today I just feel the hole, the emptiness, which no matter how much we struggle to fill it is always a sieve.
If you are not perforated, don't try to lecture those who are. If you are tall enough to pluck the grapes, don't stand and mock those who are not. If you have pushed your boulder to the top of the hill, have some compassion for the ones who have spent their lives being crushed as their boulder runs back over them again, and again, and eternally again.
