I think I have issues with feeling that people are trying to control my actions, or rather when I feel that they are trying to control my actions. I think it triggers me to want to do those things to assert that it's my right to do what I want to with my life.Is it always my right? Not when it's hurting someone directly for no good reason, I guess; it's not my right to stab someone in the eye because they annoy me. But when their hurt seems unrelated to me to my action. Or unreasonable. An unreasonable restriction. It seems reasonable to them or not to me. Or even when I can understand it and know in a way it's not at all unreasonable, but do I always have to live my life so as not to trigger something in someone else? Aren't I allowed to explore myself in my own way?
I know someone whose friends really hate her boyfriend, but she's dating him anyway because although it's a problem she can't not see someone she feels close to, she wants to be with at this time, just because of that.
Friendship isn't a marriage.
Do I ever ask my friends not to do something for my sake, for the sake of my emotional problems? I don't know, I don't think so, maybe I do and they don't tell me. But I don't think I do. Except maybe I'm asking them not to restrict me. Is that unreasonable? It doesn't feel unreasonable to me.
Fuck.
Sometimes this leaves me feeling that it's better to lie. Because if I'm honest people won't like me. They say they will but then sometimes they get upset when I am honest. When I say look, I'm sorry you don't like this, but I want to do it anyway. Because it's about me, not about you.
And if I don't do it, always, will I start to resent you for it?
If I'd done it the first time would I feel compelled to even consider doing it now?
Stupid because it's not a serious consideration, it's something I've been thinking about not something that will happen. I just feel if I really wanted it to happen I should be allowed to do it.
