Woke up too early, opened yesterday's mail, got bank statements, lost tea bags. Not a good day and it's only just started. A friend gave me these special Amazonian herbal tea bags that she claims will help my energy and depression, and they're gone. Vanished like a sock in a tumble dryer. I did, however, get a cigarette from someone in case of emergency, and am smoking it now.
My overdraft grows by the week. I have to find a new source of income, but it's hard when it's hard to think or move.
Why are there no 12 step groups for depressives? I know people in AA, NA, DA, CODA, but there's nothing for me. My therapist thinks it would be good for me, a group, but even she can't find one that's appropriate. Depressives Anonymous. Depressed people are too depressed to organize one or get out of bed to go to one.
The razor is calling me, the promise of glittering rubies of blood to remind me I'm alive. A touch of feeling that isn't just fear, because that's how I live when I try to feel. It's either numbness or fear, who can blame us for choosing numbness over that?
I can't even bring myself to get angry over Bush right now, in spite of his latest piece of crap saying Iraq has to produce a "credible" list when we all know nothing will be "credible" to Bush, who probably can't even spell the word.
Someone, give me something to save me. I need a lifeline. Or I need an end.
